Saturday, 29 September 2007

Will it be this month?

I have four days to go until my period and I'm almost counting down the hours. I've been emotionally feeling better over the last few weeks, I think when you're 'trying' for a baby at least you feel like you're doing something postive about it. I think the hardest thing is when you feel like you can do nothing. You've had a miscarriage and you're waiting and waiting for your body to get back to normal, or you're waiting for the right time to try to concieve, or waiting for your period to come or not to come. It seems like your world is split into monthly cycles, everything counted in squares of four.

Everything I do or think is assessed in a 'am I pregnant?' timeframe. Am I more tired? More hungry? Do my nipples hurt - yes because I've squeezed them again! If I make a cake (it's very rare) I think I can't scrape the bowl just incase I'm pregnant and I might get salmonella, should I not drink? Not eat nuts? The list seems endless.

I get really angry when I'm not pregnant. At the moment I feel cross about taking folic acid, (I hate taking pills). I feel like the small yellow pills have let me down, I faithfully took them, keeping my side of the bargain yet they didn't "protect me" in the past, my babies have still died. I get angry with the individual tablets, as though they should take the blame for my reproductive inadequacies. Maybe it's because I feel that I shouldn't have to take them, I should now be five and a half months pregnant, but I'm not, and that hurts.

Four days to go. I'm already wondering whether I can take a pregnancy test on Tuesday. I really think I might be pregnant this time, I'm foolishly indulging my hopes. I guess I'm lucky because it's never taken me that long to get pregnant, never more than three months. A friend has been trying for 14 months and that must be hell. Sex just becomes about getting pregnant and the desire to be pregnant dominates your world view.

What annoys me about miscarriage is the fact everyone assumes it's the woman's fault. Of course many people don't say 'fault' but they talk about me being stressed at work or having hot baths as though they are factors I can blame. I refuse to blame them, to blame them is to blame myself for having succomb to them. Why should it be my fault? What about my husband? What's the quality of his sperm? No one asks, instead they look at you, I guess everything about parenting and how the child turns out is the Mother's problem, why not start now?

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