Thursday, 11 October 2007

Up and down

I'm going to see the doctor tommorrow, I've put it off for a week and a half, but I've got to do it sometime.

I've started to tell a few people. It's hard, if you don't tell people they can't be sympathetic and look after Grace when it does all go wrong, but the more people you tell the more people you have to re-tell later.

I feel very emotionally up and down, one day I'm sure it'll be fine, another I feel so angry with God and just desparing of the next few weeks. I worry when I feel sick, I worry when I don't feel sick. Today I'm sure I feel "less pregnant" than I did yesterday. I'm going to ask the doctor to test my progesterone levels. Apparently low levels can cause miscarriage and it's only an urine test.

They did a few tests after m/c no.3 but didn't find anything. I just don't get it, why would 3 die and one survive, this is my fifth pregnancy. That seems mad, I'm only 28 and I've been pregnant five times. I keep telling myself I've got no reason to think it'll all go wrong but then I look at my stats and think, I've got no reason to think it'll all go right as well!

Monday, 8 October 2007

Pregnant and waiting

I'm pregnant. My inital delight and joy, thank God! has now been replaced by a low lying mist of depression while I wait for it all to go wrong.

Everyday I examine my cervical mucus, looking for those traces of blood, which mean (another) miscarriage is on the way.

It took me a week to pluck up the courage to go the doctor and give them a urine sample - even though I'd tested postive the day before my period was due. I need to book an appointment but I just think, "why bother now, I'll end up going for an early scan anyhow, why not wait and see that happens".

I just want to be over this, I want to be 12 weeks and pregnant, I want to be happy and for everything to be okay. I don't want to got through this whole miscarriage thing again.